We Need to Declare War on Canada!!!!

We have put up with this diabolical neighbor of the North long enough! Just the names of their provinces (Quebec, Saskatchewan, etc.) is enough to march our troops across the border and force them to succumb to our military might. But, NAY...there are far worse things...far worse atrocities...that beckon the call to arms. It seems there is a tiny island between New Brunswick and Maine that is the subject of renewed calls from both sides of the border to settle a territorial dispute once and for all.

Machias Seal Island is a flat, treeless piece of rock located about 19 kilometres south of Grand Manan Island and 16 kilometres west of the Maine coast at the mouth of the Bay of Fundy. The island is a sanctuary for many kinds of seabirds including the Atlantic Puffin and draws visitors from around the world to observe them in the summer. There are no permanent human residents on the island, just pairs of lightkeepers who spend 28 days at a time maintaining a lighthouse operated by the Canadian Coast Guard. The original lighthouse was built by the British in 1832, and a lighthouse has been maintained there ever since.

YOU SEE!!! They have already invaded our piece of itty bitty rock out in the ocean. We forced the British from it and now these nasty Canadians have put two troops...TWO!!!...on our most precious and God given soil. And, it isn't the birds we must save, but the 720 square kilometers of water around the island that is ours also.

Both Canadian and U.S. lobster fishermen work these waters. Why should we share our delectable lobsters with these cretins!? Why should our lobstermen have their livelihoods reduced by these robbers of the sea!?

Margaret Thatcher sent a flotilla of warships and warplanes to the Falklands, why should we not send every carrier group, every plane, every warrior we've got to Machias and secure it for the great United States of America as she did for the paltry...uh...er...great United Kingdom?

What if some valuable resource is discovered in the grey zone around Machias Seal Island? What if some other contingency that we can't imagine now of strategic importance comes along? (Not my question...but I used it anyway.) What if we find super squillion amounts of oil there? What if we find massive gold deposits beneath the rock of this island? What if we find Atlantis there? What if, what if what if?????

A spokeswoman for the Department of Foreign Affairs and International Trade said ownership of the island and surrounding waters is clear as far as Canada is concerned: they are Canadian. How audacious! How belligerent! How impudent! We must recall our troops from Iraq and Afghanistan and reposition them for the great push into Canada. Tanks, missiles, planes, rifles, bullets, ships and soldiers must be dispatched immediately before these nasty invaders from the uttermost North decide they want New York, too!!! 

Wait a minute. On second thought....