Keeping the faith

I was listening to Carrie Underwood's "So Small" the other day and the chorus goes something like this.

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
And when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

I couldn't help but noticing the truth in the lyrics. It's not about love, per se, but everything else in general.

I didn't say I have led such a hard life, because I haven't; I've got loads to be very grateful about. At the same time, to say that my life is just filled with butterflies and rainbows isn't exactly accurate either. I learned some things the hard ways too.

When my mom was sick, I couldn't see anything past it. I thought we've reached rock bottom. It was unthinkable, too surreal, something we never thought possible.

But, life goes on and even though it has been hard, we've pulled through. And what? It's easy from then on? Not at all. Thinking we've been through the worst doesn't mean it's true, because things evolve, circumstances change. But I'd like to think that perhaps I've gotten a bit stronger and wiser since, maybe I've learned not to sweat the small stuffs, because I know now what's important and what's not.

Life may not get easier, but there is such thing as perspectives.

Some things are just too important. Like, education and career. I do take it seriously, and I intend to keep trying to get a job although it's really hard at the moment. Family is another thing; I realized how incredibly lucky I am to have such strong bond and relationships with my dad and sisters. I do butthead with my sister a lot, and she may irritate me with her protectiveness at times, but you know what, those are insignificant, because she's the only one who has supported, motivated, and got my back all these years.

And here's another revolution. Some other things are just not worth fussing about. Like, people who are never there for you, who obviously don't care anymore. I was okay doing the 'giving' role everytime, I was okay being the only person who takes initiative, who still shows care and respect. But it's a waste of time and energy when they never make any efforts. Why bother? It's not worth it, there are other things to worry about, believe me. Sometimes you just know when to let go.

I mean, no need to get hard feelings. Afterall, things change, just look at it that way.

Anyway, when you think about it, people are a lot stronger than they give themselves credit for. We will never know our capabilities 'til we are stretched to our limits. Even then, what's our 'limit'? In the end, things are never as hard as they seem.

I know I'm struggling right now, and it's the only thing I'm focusing on. I do have faith though, that things will work out eventually. And when they do, I'm sure they wouldn't look so scary anymore. The trick is just to get through it. Then you can go ahead and face the next challenge. Ha!

If a country song could trigger this much thoughts, I wonder what happens if I listen to Oprah everyday.

Typical Tompkins Day

It was like a billion degrees outside this weekend which means that Tompkins Square park was a freakshow of fun..I love that park in the spring and summer-it never fails to entertain. This saturday was more fun than throwing a hotdog down a hallway! Wait-that's really kind of dirty and makes no sense but i'll leave it up anyway..First I met this really scary clown. He was holding a doll with its head bashed in and fake brains and puke were dripping all over him..I thought he had a good vibe so I took his photo and chatted him up. Then there was a tie-dyed ferret which matched my retarded Michael Jackson shirt so I got some pics with it..And of course it was fun running into almost every single person I know in the city..John took some photos of Jes and I looking swell and stuff..

I know the next few days will be crappy weather but that's okay..I have to practice and record if this damn CD is ever going to get done..Plus the weekend will be hot again. John and I will busk in Union Square..Now that park is a whole other level of freakshow. I find the people who stand there and give out FREE HUGS the most disturbing of all...Why do they want to hug everyone? Do they have lice they are trying to get rid of? Are they really just trying to grope people's buttocks? Are they stealing wallets? Usually I just tell them I have a rare but deadly VULVA disease which can be passed on through hugging. They just grin good-naturedly when I say this which makes me want to punch them all the more.