So here's the irony. Most times, you wouldn't know how good you have it, until you lose it. But by then, it's probably way too late to do anything.

I have my regrets when it comes to a lot of things. I'd like to think that I could learn from those mistakes, and I'm a better person because of it. Who knows, really, though? Maybe I'd turn out okay too without ever making mistakes, and thus, the things you have sacrificed seem to just die in vain, because the changes aren't even in monumental proportion or anything anyway. Is the sacrifice worth it? The guilt and the hard times you've gone through to, supposedly, come to this point and learn your lessons from these experiences?

I don't know. I'm having a bittersweet feelings today because it's your birthday.

Yeah, so I might have realized that I'm actually a lot stronger than I thought. Maybe I've grown to be more mature, and wise. Maybe I've thought more about my actions before actually doing them. Maybe I'm more cautious, reserved and careful. And as good as these things may be, it's not a fair comparison to everything we've been through until this point.

It's not fair. What's wrong with thinking I'm not that strong, anyway? I can live with that, can't I?

It's not easy, and it's still a struggle. So many things, memories, dates, occasions, places and time remind me of you. And I can't help feeling that I've failed somehow.

If there's only a way for me to know that you're doing good now, that maybe this is for the best, then maybe I can be content and forgive myself. But it's simply not possible. People say we just gotta have faith. But when it comes to you, I don't know I can still believe that.

You know what we would have done today, just like every other birthdays we had in the past? Drove up to this one place we always went to, and had fancy dinner as a family. I miss that.

The things I might have learned after you're gone? What are they even for?