Bah Humbug!!!

I hate this time of year. Everybody is off work and taking up my space at the mall...the theatre...the roads...the restaurants. I was at a restaurant last night with a friend of mine and we couldn't hardly talk for the 'Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow'...'Rudolph'...'Dreaming of a White Christmas'...and the most infernal of them all, 'Frosty the Snowman' songs blaring from the house sound system. Grrrrrrrr.

TV commercials are so blessed happy and cutesy with the fake snow, garland, Santa hats and stupid elves while they shout at you about the latest sale and all you have to do is send them your money. They also think we're sooooo stupid. Have you seen the commercial about the garden hose that looks all crinkly until you turn the water on and it suddenly balloons out from 2 inches to a gazillion feet long??? Watch carefully when they show it crinkle back up after turning the water pressure off. THEY'RE RUNNING THE FILM BACKWARDS!!!!! It doesn't do that! At least not like they're trying to sell you. Then there are the car commercials. Puh-leeeze. Yeah, honey...look outside. See that brand new Audi with the big red bow? That's for YOU sweetheart. Yeah, honey...look outside. See that brand new Mercedes with the big red bow? That's for YOU sweetheart. Let's see, the median income in this country is what? Around $38,000 per year? Give me a break. Most likely, "honey" is going to hear, "Hey, babes...hope ya like the deep fryer I gotcha down at the Bass Pro Shop. This thing here will make it a lot easier for ya to cook all that catfish I catch down at the river."

This is also a dangerous time of year. Every 'Al Capone Wannabe' is out there to steal your purse out of the shopping cart, or hijack your car after you stuff the trunk with Christmas junk, or hold you up for what precious little is left in your wallet, or break in your house to steal everything under the tree, or RUN A FRIGGIN' FILM BACKWARDS TO FOOL YOU INTO BUYING THEIR FRIGGIN' GARDEN HOSE!!!!

Anyway, Scrooge had it right. Bah, humbug to all this madness. It's not a religious holiday anymore, so I don't know why all the atheists don't just shut up. Oh sure, there's the manger scenes out there but I doubt 90% of the people in this country could name half the players. It's a commercial holiday, a reason to party, a reason to play hooky from work, a reason to get drunk, a reason to engorge yourself (like I'm going to do with my Honey Baked Spiral Cut Ham!!!), a reason to avoid family...or go see family...but it's not a reason to think about a Saviour being least not anymore.

We haven't put a up a tree in my house and we're not going to put up a tree. We aren't exchanging ANYBODY. All we bought was my Honey Baked Spiral Cut Ham that we're going to eat off of for the next three weeks. (I love my Honey Baked Spiral Cut Ham). No decorations, no garland, no wreaths, no nuthin'.

And don't get me started on Christmas cards. Whoever dreamed those things up...if he/she is still alive...should be drawn, quartered and the parts sent to the four corners of the Earth as a warning to anybody else should they have the same kind of idea. The Christmas card you get from me will be the first one and I suggest you don't hold your breath.

I'm very thankful that Chistmas carolers are pretty much a thing of the past. Nowadays, if you start singing on somebody's front yard without being invited, you're likely to get shot. I always hated how you had to come outside and stand there, listening to them with this big stupid smile on your face while wishing the whole time they would just shut up and leave. The only thing worse was being one of the singers. It was you who were trespassing and while singing you were silently praying the people inside wouldn't start shooting at you.

The only thing worse than Christmas is New Year's Day. Another round of parties, drinking, and celebrating the new year like it has any hope in hell of being better than the last. For those who plan on staying up and partying all night to ring in the new year, I have one question. HAVEN'T YOU BEEN PAYING ATTENTION???!!!!!