apology

I have an awful feeling that I haven't been a pretty good friend lately. What's worse is that, I think I've been that way to everyone. And for that, I'm really sorry.

I hear people say 'it's not you, it's me' all the time, and I used to mock the clicheness of it all, and it's not even an excuse, but that's how it is with me lately.

I feel like, I'm in this shit hole and I don't even wanna get out, you know? I guess, I'm just struggling with my own things, and while I'm at it, I can't focus on doing something else, something fun with my friends. And each time I'm 'neglecting' them, the worse I feel about myself, but at the same time, I'm unethusiastic about the idea of trying to be all cheerful and excited when my mind is occupied with other things. Trust me, I wish I could just leave all that at home. I'd love to welcome any distraction.

I wonder if this is how all depressed people started out. I mean, they can't just be depressed overnight, can they? It comes in stages, I assume. First, they're constantly worried and feeling meh about everything, and then they just don't go out anymore and they have no more friends, and they end up being miserable and grumpy and lonely and nobody would stand even being in near proximity with them.

Oh, god. Am I on the road to depression?

When people are going crazy, do they know that they are going crazy?

Okay, stop. This isn't helping at all. It's not even as if I have enough life-and-death situation to be depressed about. I'm not severely heartbroken, I'm not chased around by loansharks, or gangsters. In fact, I just graduated!

Everyone who hear this always say, "Congratulations! You must be excited!" But the truth is, I'm still waiting for the moment for the excitement to sink in. Any minute now, I hope. Yeah, that was what I thought a week ago.

It's just funny how sometimes your entire life could be filled with just one problem. Do you remember as a teen, all you needed to worry about was to get good grades at school? At the time, it seemed enormous, difficult. Now? It was nothing. Does it mean that it was silly to get stressed over it? Well, no. I keep telling myself that this isn't a big deal, that later ahead I would look back and laugh about it, but it doesn't make me feel much better now, to be honest.

Well, I'm rambling again, as always. The whole point of it all is, just to admit that I've been a terrible, shitty friend lately and I'm disliking it myself. I need to, figure things out first. But even with that said, I should have handled it better, I shouldn't be this way, no doubt about it. So friends, I'm really sorry.

And to one particular friend whom I've been verbally abused all the time since I've been this tense, moody and irritable bitch. I'm sorry for being extremely difficult to hang out with, to not reciprocate when nice things are said, and basically, for not appreciating you enough for being patient. And a good friend.

I'm gonna try to make it better. And one more thing, don't let me be depressed. Please.

Random Crap.

Not much happening lately...I am in denial about the snow and freezing temperatures outside so i've been indoors a lot..Pretty dull, but i try to keep busy by sliding the take-out menus back out into the hallway a second after they slide them under the door. I like hearing the confused silence out in the hallway as they try to decide whether to try again...It's also a lot of fun to try and keep the telemarketers on the phone as long as possible when they call to sell me shit..I keep telling them how lonely I am and then start reading to them from TV Guide.
I did go out today for a bit and took some photos..The first couple are of the wonderful Whole Earth Vegan Bakery on St. Marks by Avenue A. This place has been under threat of eviction for years now, but are somehow hanging in there. Peter, the owner, is awesome and I try to support them as much as possible even if I just buy the day old two dollar specials that they have out daily. They still taste pretty damn good! Whole Earth is Reverend Billy approved...I just love Rev. Billy and am ever so pleased that he is running for mayor! He's totally got my vote, unless of course David Cross decides to run too.
That dirty beer ad is in the window of someone's apartment on 7th St. This window looks like a storefront of a great old junk store..but I think it is just someone's apartment who decided to put a bunch of cool old stuff in their window. There's all kinds of old puppets and vintage toys on display as well...
Half of the shops on East 7th st. seem to be closed now...It's a bad luck block for retail it seems. I hope the Whole Earth Bakery sticks around, unlike the pricey dress shop I saw today which had the sign displayed in the bottom photo.