Christmas Is Here...OPEN THE HAM!!!

There are many things you may not know about the Honey Baked Spiral Cut Ham.

First, it is cut by a master butcher who is not allowed to touch the carcass until after thirty years of training in Nepal. Two monks are assigned to train the individual during a grueling 23 hours a day ritualistic regimen on just how to hold the knife. This goes on for five years. After that, he is trained to butcher hummingbirds with a battle axe, shaving the breast meat from the bird in 1mm thick sections. This takes fifteen years to perfect. The next step is training the master butcher on respecting the pig and those who will enjoy the feast it will bring. Many hours of meditation and living with pigs, eating with pigs, wallowing in the mud with pigs, etc. are inflicted on the trainee so he will become one with the pig. For ten years he lives with the pig until finally able to take the test of the master. He is handed a silver butcher knife...for only a solid silver knife may be used to excise the ham from the carcass that is designated to be a Honey Baked Ham. With expert precision he carves the ham and reverently hands it to his monk masters for their inspection. If there is one slip of the knife...the butcher is shamed and driven from the monestary naked and covered in pig blood. If he passes, the silver knife is his and he may leave to carry out his most sacred mission.

One might suspect the pigs are chosen by Master Pig Stock Selectors, but this is not solely the case. In fact, the honor is believed to be so lofty, pigs from around the world freely volunteer to be Honey Baked Hams. Only a willing sacrifice is allowed to be a Honey Baked Ham, and it is only then the Master Pig Stock Selectors review the volunteers to see if they are worthy to be numbered among the few, the proud...Honey Baked Hams. Each swine must meet the highest standard, the least amount of body fat, the best skin and soft to the touch. If selected, their hindquarters are stamped "HBH Approved" and they are then moved to the Palace of Pig Farms in Hawg Valley, Iowa for the six month purification process. Those that are rejected are sent to Chicago for sausage that will be fed to the peasants.

Once the ham is cut, it is delivered to the Master Chef of Pig Meat Cooking. This man cooks no other meat...only the pig. This person's training is even more in depth than that of the butcher. It is only after fifty years of intense training under the most brutal conditions before he is trusted with the task of preparing the ham. The nature of this training is top secret and is reported as being so cruel we can't describe it here. Suffice it say he who puts heat to the ham is a great master who deserves our utmost respect for his sacrifice.

After the ham has been cooked to absolute perfection, it is carefully wrapped by a Master Ham Wrapper. This person has undergone the least training, only five years, but has had to go through a thorough background check. As you can see in the photo below, it is wrapped in 24K gold leaf.

The gold leaf is 99.999% pure, for only the best gold may touch the flesh of the ham. The one you see here weighs 8.625 pounds and has been spiral cut by a 100% pure platinum blade, operated by the Master Pig Ham Spiral Blade Cutter. This person has undergone fifteen years of training to perfect the spiral cut of this...the most preferred ham.

This ham is presented to the purchaser with hands most delicate. Armed guards accompany the one who is fortunate enough to afford such a treasure as he leaves to get into his car. Many tragedies have occurred without such security measures, and the Honey Baked Ham company makes sure its clientele is protected after receiving it.

Once home, it is required that seven sticks of incense be lit for the unveiling of the ham. A white, silken robe must be worn by he who undresses the ham. Its nakedness must be respected when the beauty of its meat is revealed. Behold the photo below!!!

Yes, 8.625 pounds of the most delectable pig meat to be found anywhere on the planet. Nay, THE UNIVERSE!! It feels close to sacrilege to even view it in all its unmitigated glory, much less to touch or...dare I say...consume it.  Yet, this photo alone does not do it justice. For it is the honey glaze that is applied during the cooking process that brings this ham to be referred to as the creme de la creme of pig meat.

Virgin Queen Bees are artificially inseminated with microscopic paladium needles so her horde of pristine worker bees can be genetically enhanced to produce their honey from the rarest flower in the world...the Middlemist Red. It exists in only two locations...a greenhouse in the UK, and in a garden in New Zealand. The bees are granted special access once a year to gather this most precious of pollens so they can then create the finest honey tasted anywhere. It is then applied to the ham by naked 18 year old virgins, their skin as white as paper, lightly singing druidic songs of worship to Mother Nature. It is only then, when the finished product has been carmelized to the meat, that you can see such a wonderful sight as this....

What beauty! What majesty! What succulence! Upon its consumption, the bone shall be blessed by the Pope himself and then used in a large pot to create a masterpiece of pinto bean delight. The flavor from the bone shall permeate the bean so each bite will cause a deep reflection on what once was, and what had epicurean lifetime experience. And now you know why the Honey Baked Spiral Cut Ham is famous throughout the galaxies. Have a merry, merry Christmas. I know I will.